1 in 5 mums deal with postnatal depression, its something that needs to be discussed more openly and with less judgement. You’re not alone ❤️

Something wasn’t right from day one. I woke up after giving birth feeling weak and scared. Two days later I sat and wondered if I had enough money in my bank account to just leave. A week later I sat in my sisters’ car just sobbing. A month later I asked my mum to adopt Jack so I could kill myself. I coped with it by hurting myself, I loved Jack and I was scared I’d hurt him if I didn’t do it to myself. I’d punch walls until my knuckles bled, I’d dig my fingernails into my hands and arms until I drew blood, I’d slap myself so hard on the head I’d go dizzy. I loved him, I think. But I didn’t know. I felt no connection. I thought he was adorable and lovely and amazing. Just not for me. I soon realised something wasn’t right and went to my GP to discuss it. I was dismissed by three separate doctors at the practice before I got the help I needed. Every single one put it down to my age, that I wasn’t ready, but I was ready. I’d spent 8 months counting down the days until he was here. I’d left my relationship and moved back in with my Mum so he would be safe, I worked and saved my money so he could have nice things when he got here. I pictured every part of his perfect life and I couldn’t wait to meet him. But things don’t always happen the way you want them to. I had a traumatic birth, he wasn’t crying when he was born, he couldn’t latch on, we were kept in the hospital for 4 days postpartum… it was a rough time. At the same time, I was coming to terms with the fact I was a single mum and it was all on me which is overwhelming at best. I was still coping with PTSD from my abusive relationship. I’m prone to depression. Pretty crap stuff. I was just dismissed as a young Mum regretting her choices. I knew I wanted him from the moment I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test, there was no regret in sight, just fear.