They say it takes a village to raise a child, so why is my village empty? Sometimes it seems as if i’m on my own when it comes to parenting.

Once upon a time I was used to being the bad guy, I assumed this role would be bestowed on me as I was the main carer – the parent who was with the kids the majority of the time. I dusted off casual remarks insinuating that I was making bad parental decisions, or that I was being too harsh. I did this because I knew I was doing the best for my child(ren), and I knew what consequences certain actions would lead to.

That drink before bedtime turned into the 2am ‘he wet the bed’ clean up. Those crisps before dinner turned into an issue because they were too full to eat. The “no” you ignored in your house just made me look like an almighty douche in front of my kids and undermined everything I said. Because? *Sigh*, you want them to like you? Sorry, not sorry, you bought them presents, kids are shallow, they’ll like you forever.

You’ve never had to send him to bed early because he cut up his brothers chair with a pair of scissors. You didn’t have a two-hour stand off because he didn’t want to tidy up his bricks. You didn’t have to ban all computer games, TV and electronics because he doused his brothers toothbrush in Dettol because his brother “bugged him”. You’ve never had my children, so why tell me I’m doing wrong?

Yes you’ve been there before, you have children of your own, you gave birth over 1/2/30/40/50 years ago, and your children might be adults, but still. You haven’t had my children. You see, my children are unique; they have my genes and my husbands genes, and they have had different experiences to your children. Their thought processes are somewhat different to your children’s. My kids are super intelligent at times, but then they do the most idiotic shit that really does baffle me to the point of utter confusion. How did I give birth to someone who would make that choice? But then again, how did I give birth to someone who could figure out trigonometry? Like, seriously don’t ask me for help, because you’ve figured out that problem pretty well… I wouldn’t have a clue, son. 

They say ‘it takes a village to raise a child’, so that means when my child is being an arse, back me up. Because for whatever reason, trust in the fact that I do know better. I know my child 100% better than you. I see them everyday, I know when they’re being stubborn, or difficult, or if they’re just tired or hungry. I know these factors could actually contribute to cantankerous behaviour. Lastly, if you feel you dislike my parenting skills, keep schtum, I mean constructive criticism is fantastic, just be careful how you word it. AND, if you’re directing your constructive criticism about me to someone else, that’s not actually constructive criticism, that’s gossip. Talking about me to someone else without me present = Gossip. It’s quite easy really, look, I did maths! These are the rules, I didn’t make them up. So before you judge me because I’m not allowing my kid to eat your Easter eggs, realise he can’t eat dairy. Because I’ve declined that bed time drink, it’s because he is known to wet the bed if he has a night time drink. And, because I’ve told my eldest to read for 10 minutes before he plays any computer games that’s my decision as a great parent who is trying her hardest not to raise a son who will turn into a lazy shit of a human being.

But, you know, I have to conclude this little rant of a blog post now, and it should be with something positive, right? So. I’m going to let you in on a little secret, wine. Wine gets me through the bad times, you see, as the years have gone on, I have realised kids play up when they have an audience. So I have two foolproof ways of getting through such occasions:

1. Don’t turn up. I won’t go to every event or even organise events that will give my kids the perfect opportunity to make me look like a raving maniac. (If you’re reading kids, which I’ve told you not to because this isn’t for you, LOVE YOU! x).
2. Wine, be prepared! Preferably with your favourite alcoholic tipple. Mine is wine, white wine,13% minimum.

Thanks guys, you’ve been great! x