I’d love to say that I want to completely erase everything remotely connected to 2017, but it wasn’t all bad… I guess.

Change you say? But we (Kiki Blah-Blah) won an award for the blog, we’ve been selected as a finalist at the UK Bloggers awards and I’ve had the chance to work with some amazing brands and meet so many wonderful new people. So why is it, when my career is going well, my relationship is in jeopardy?

Now, you know what I’m talking about if you follow my posts… if not, mate, where have you been? (catch up).

Got it? OK. Whilst everything is hunky dory with work, it feels like I’m being forced to change who I am. Yeah, I know, never change for a man, and yes, I do truly believe that should be everyone’s mantra. But… yes there’s a but, what if you want to change?

I want to change for me because I can’t believe I let myself forget who I am. That person I became let someone think I was worth less than I truly am. Me? Are you mad… yeah, that’s the new me talking. I will finger snap, tame my imaginary weave and cuss a bitch for days. Honestly truly. *sigh.

This new year, new me BS is hard. To keep up the pretence, sorry, the new version of myself is going to take some getting used to. The ‘glow up’, a term coined by Black Twitter or by a hilarious POC (I don’t know how true that is), is the modern version of The Ugly Duckling scenario. Not that this new version is prettier, but the 2017 version of myself was too soft, too approachable and too walk-all-over-me-and-I’ll-take-it. Somewhat pathetic *shrugs*. No, I’m not scrambling for compliments, old me was cute, but she just forgot who she was. The glitter and unicorns were too distracting. I need to remember that I am more Disney Villain than a wide-eyed delicate Disney Princess.

It’s funny how females work, we end a relationship and (think) that we become a better version of ourselves. You may change your hair, buy new makeup, lose weight (lucky ones) or in my case, get that tattoo you were always too anxious about. The pain of the needle was bearable compared to 2017, to say the least.

I chose to stay in the relationship that ended. I say ended because it had to. There’s no way it could continue on the same path, heading into what I thought was pure Disney. Fairytales aren’t for Disney Villain’s you see, that wouldn’t be fair. This world is balanced and we can’t all be princesses.

Yes, we’re together and taking it one step at a time. It’s more about getting to know each other again to see if it’ll work. The new me isn’t so forgiving… or naive.

Bouncing back from something that took so much from me is going to be hard. Meetups where I was noticeably quiet, nights out with friends that I avoided because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind, missed appointments, missed snuggles with the kids and a weekend with one of my best friends. Lovebox was meant to be amazing, an escape from the repetitiveness that comes with ‘wifeyhood’. So many incomprehensible words were said as I cried about the state of my relationship in front of my friend. Fuelled by wine naturally – I owe her a girlie weekend. I’m sorry ‘Sair-bear’, this year will be so much better.

When you’re forced to change, it has to be for the better. It has to be believable and it has to be honest. It’s not about losing weight, it’s not about making new year’s resolutions which mean absolutely nothing, it’s even not about pledging to drink less. It’s simply about the need to believe in, ourselves… myself, and know my worth because if I don’t, who will?